It's ok to disagree with someone, but don't be disagreeable

I remember many lessons that my father taught me.  I recall him driving me to a high school football game and his parting words to me were, “Play with reckless abandon.”  It was a good lesson and can certainly be transferred to other areas of our lives.  We can live with reckless abandon, and by that, I mean live life to its fullest.
In going along with that first lesson, the other side of his meaning was that while there are times to be carefree, there are also circumstances that require restraint. I was a teenager and knew virtually everything there was to know.  I was in an argument with one of my siblings.  I don’t remember which sibling, or what the argument was about, but I do very clearly recall my father correcting me at the end of the argument.  My dad told me, “You know, son, you can disagree with someone without being disagreeable.”
His gentle correction made me realize that I had in fact been arguing like a jerk.  Maybe my arguments had some merit, but I didn’t have to attack the other person.  
In a very short time, we are going to be dealing with elections and election results.  I strongly disagree with a lot of the positions that various politicians hold.  I am not afraid to broach controversial or contentious topics with family or friends; however, I have never forgotten my father’s admonition.  I need to be able to disagree with someone without becoming disagreeable.  This is easier said than done.
I would like to offer one other piece of advice.  When you are entering into a conversation that is likely to be contentious, listen first.  Make sure you understand what the person is saying.  So often we tend to not listen very well because we are formulating our rebuttal.  Listen first.  Try to understand why the other person thinks the way they do and ask questions.  Seek understanding of the other person.
This does not mean you agree with the person at the end of the conversation, but you should understand their views better and your friendship should remain intact.  Don’t lose a friend or alienate a family member.  
Disagree, but don’t be disagreeable.
— Pat Arensberg is the Director of the Office for Evangelization and Family Life. Email him at [email protected].
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